The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
