can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
