Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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