Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
