Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
