you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
