Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
