We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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