You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just had sex bonerless
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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