He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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