I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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