I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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