Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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