Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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