Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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