this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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