I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
