i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
