i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
