Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
