dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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