I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
