after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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