No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
