Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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