dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
