Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
