tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
