someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
