Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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