i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
