So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
