great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
