I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
