ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She even gives head with a lisp.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
