so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
