remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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