My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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