There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm always down for nudity.
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