remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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