The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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