Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
