and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
