I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You pole danced in your parka.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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