I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
