You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
