Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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