Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
