I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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