Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
