Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
