You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
